


Can_o_tuna_balism's Birthday Disaster

by Jeenius_the_Dork



Category: Homestuck, Ouran High School Host Club - All Media Types, Shrek (Movies), Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: It's happening, Snipers, Weird Shit, a broken cellphone, game grumps references, refrence to Ouran Highschool Mafia, remember that time you showed up to my house in cosplay when my grandparents were over?, thanks for that by the way, the Shreckoning 2.0, the closet, this is fucking stupid, unofficial sequel to Some Nuggets Once Told Me Rap Mon was Gonna Drug Me
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-13
Updated: 2018-08-12
Packaged: 2019-06-26 15:06:49
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,233
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15665673
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jeenius_the_Dork/pseuds/Jeenius_the_Dork
Summary: 12 days late but it's gonna be great.





	1. The Sheckoning 2: Electric Boogaloo

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Can_o_tuna_balism](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Can_o_tuna_balism/gifts).



> DUDUDUUUDUDUDUUDUDUDUDUDUDUDUDUDUUUDUDUDUDUDUDUDUDUDUDUDUDUDUUDUDUDUDUDUU.
> 
> -Arin "Darin Bransan" Hansen, Darude Sandstorm

**Happy birthday you fucking nerd.**

 

Can_o_tuna_balism had a predicament. Their phone died and was in need of fixing. Whether this happened because their phone is old as fuck or because Jeenius took the shot was a question that could never be answered.

 

Wait? Jeenius took the shot?

 

No this wasn’t one of her shitty fanfictions was this? For fucksake Jeenius calm your shit for once.

 

They never noticed time fast-forward. One moment they were cursing Jeenius to hell the next Can_o_tuna_balism’s phone was working again and they had  **_a lot_ ** of messages from Jeenius. One of them was a horrible, disgusting picture of Arin Hansen in the dress of Star from Star vs the Forces of Evil while Star was wearing Arin’s Starbomb costume from the Player Select album cover. A tiny Danny Sexbang was in the right corner of the picture begging Ninja Brian to stop flipping people off.

 

Another message from Jeenius showed up moments later. It went something along the lines of this.

 

**Jeenius:** also even though it passed like a month ago I’m writing you a fanfic for your birthday and it’ll be even worse than Ouran Highschool Mafia.

 

**Can_o_tuna_balism:** OMG yes!

**C:** My birthday was only 12 days ago, so no worries XD

 

Yes this was exactly how the conversation went. Yes this is almost exactly how my birthday fanfic started. Stfu.

 

Secretly Can_o_tuna_balism was scared. Jeenius should  _ not  _ be trusted with writing fanfiction about real people. The last time she did she turned the Game Grumps into a dinosaur cult. (Not that the Game Grumps aren’t a dinosaur cult but whatever.) There was no telling what the crack fanfiction writer was going to do.

 

A loud thumping sound came from inside their closet. Unless their cat had somehow gotten in the closet and closed the door, Can_o_tuna_balism was pretty sure closets don’t make that sound.

 

They reached to touch the door handle, but paused for a moment. There was no telling what they would find behind that door. What horrors could possibly await them inside of a closet.

 

Despite their better judgement, Can_o_tuna_balism opened the door.

 

Behind the doors was  _ not  _ a closet. It looked suspiciously a lot like...oh GOD NO!

 

“Greeting welcome to the host cl-”

 

“FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!” Can_o_tuna_balism screamed.

 

“Haha syke! It was actually me the entire time! The personification of the Homestuck fandom! Can I talk to you about Homestuck? BUcKEts!!!” the poorly grey painted man with gigantic lips asked. It was an awful sight that reminded them of the time they used to cosplay as Homestuck characters and visit Jeenius’ house when she had family over.

 

He gave no time for Can_o_tuna_balism to reply, dancing towards them in a shitty Fortnite emote fashion. When it started morphing into the Sonic run a shot rang through the air.

 

The strange man fell to the ground, a pool of rainbow coloured blood poured out of him. Looking up towards the sky Can_o_tuna_balism could see the shadowy figure of someone standing on top of a large building holding a sniper rifle.

 

A roller coaster car in the shape of Shrek’s head rolled up beside Can_o_tuna_balism. The seat bar popped up as if inviting them inside. Given the car is in the shape of Sherk’s head they are hesitant to go in. They heard a voice quietly coming from the car putting them into a trance like state. Can_o_tuna_balism entered the car without question, their soul draining quickly from their body.

 

The shadowy figure disappeared. Though this wouldn’t be the last time you saw them.

 

The Sherk car pulled them towards the real Music Room 3. Not to be confused with Warehouse 420 from Ouran Highschool mafia. No we’re talking about the real host club.    
  
Well not  _ exactly  _ the real host club. Apparently Kyoya learned the dark arts in attempt to seek revenge for the slaughtering of all the host clubs’ characters in the aforementioned shitshow of a fanfiction. Understandable, completely understandable.

 

Kyoya summoned forth the darkest being ever documented in script. A being so terrifying even the gods shake before him. The truly horrifying being known as….

 

“Oh for fucks sake.” Kyoya groaned.

 

A carbon copy of himself appeared  from the void. He was was naked and had a $20 bill sticking out of his ass dancing to What is Love by Haddaway (the only good song titled WHat is Love. All others are trash). Kyoya knew who this was, everyone knew who this was.

 

It was Mafia Kyoya.

 

Can_o_tuna_balism began screaming. Why was this fucker alive again didn’t Jeenius kill him last time? Were there infinite amounts of mafia Kyoyas in the universe? Was this some kind of Rick and Morty bullshit?

 

Another shot rang out before any of those questions could be answered. The shadowy figure from before could be seen a lot clearer. Actually it looked like…


	2. The Figure

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Can_o_tuna_balism recognized the mysterious sniper.

“Jeenius?” Can_o_tuna_balism asked.

The figure took aim at the other Kyoya and fired once more. Kyoya fell to the ground, as the Homestuck man had once before. The glowing void closed, the arm of another mafia Kyoya was severed as the portal closed. 

“I finally did it. I finally found that asshole.” the figure replied.

“Dude seriously, what the fuck are you doing here? Isn’t this my closet?” Can_o_tuna_balism asked.

“Haven’t you learned by now? Nothing’s ever normal in this world.” the figure replied.

“Of fuck this is another one of your fanfictions isn’t it?” Can_o_tuna_balism asked.

Another Jeenius walked into the room, holding a bag of Doritos. “Yup.” she replied.

Can_o_tuna_balism looked between the two Jeenius. “Why are there two of you?”

“Oh yeah. That Jeenius is the one that got drugged by RapMon in Some Nuggets Once Told Me Rap Mon was Gonna Drug Me. She dedicated her life to hunting down the dark wizard Kyoya who was creating more mafia Kyoyas as a revenge plot against us for butchering his character in the Mafia fic.” Doritos Jeenius replied, gesturing to Sniper Jeenius.

“I’m your friendly neighborhood crack fanfiction writer Jeenius who started writing a series of Voltron fanfictions were Keith fucks with Lance.” Doritos Jeenius continued, gesturing to herself with the bag of Doritos. They fall pathetically to the ground. 

“Glossing over the fact I have no idea what Voltron is, I thought you hated smut. Why are you writing it?” Can_o_tuna_balism asked.

“By ‘fucking with’ I meant getting him to fall for the Updog joke and trolling. Not actual fucking.” Jeenius replied.

“Ahaa nice.” Can_o_tuna_balism laughed.

The sky began to darken. Dark storm clouds covered the sky. The rain slowly started falling down on the two Jeenius and Can_o_tuna_balism. Sniper Jeenius gripped her gun tighter.

Maniacal laughing rang out through the open space. It echoed off the walls of the music room, causing them the drumble around them. It turned out the music room was actually just a set up. They were in the Police station from Ouran highschool Mafia. Police Chief Asshole loomed over them, standing an impressive 20 feet.

“You have done well my pawns. Now for phase two.” Police Chief Asshole boomed.

“What the fuck?” Can_o_tuna whispered.

“Just let it happen man. It’ll all work out in the end.” Jeenius replied.

They’re all silent for a moment.

“Oh shit did I take the dog out?” Jeenius asked.

She immediately disappeared, most likely to take her dog out for a walk.

Can_o_tuna returned their attention to Police Chief Asshole. “Fuck…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> part 3 coming to you never.


End file.
